ANGER VS TOXIC ABUSE
SHARI SCHREIBER MA
NOV 28, 2023
Anger is one of the healthiest, most vibrant, passionate feelings we humans have in our emotional repertoire. Far too many have grown up suppressing their anger and rage, because of parental units who taught them these were unacceptable, wrong or shameful emotions.
If our parents didn’t make room for us to feel or verbally express our anger, we grew into adulthood judging and shaming ourselves for experiencing it. Many think it’s “wrong” to feel angry, and mentally masturbate indefinitely, over whether or not they have “the right” to feel angry, when an event triggers this natural human emotion.
There is NO SUCH THING as a wrong or bad emotion. If you’re feeling it, that means you’re supposed to! It’s said that hindsight is always 20/20. In the light of a new day, we might have the luxury of time to replay an outburst in our mind’s eye, and assess whether our angry reaction to something or someone was truly warranted~ or we just got a bee in our bonnet, due to previous stressors that made us wanna lash out… at virtually ANYONE.
We’ve all been there, haven’t we?? Ongoing stress is the #1 catalyst for depression, sleeplessness, over or under-eating, and rage. If we don’t take our harsh judgement off our anger and let it out in healthy, self-affirming ways, we keep it in~ and it tends to eat us up from the inside out, which is commonly referred to, as “Cancer.”
If you’re the type who stockpiles their frustration, anger, disappointment or rage there’s a really strong possibility you’re inviting some serious medical conditions into your life. Doctors and nurses who work in oncology units, tell us “these patients are the sweetest, kindest people you’d ever wanna meet!” But nobody talks about all the inner, unresolved rage these folks have swept under the rug and suppressed for decades.
When we yell at someone, that’s fine. Sometimes it’s necessary. My dad once said, “sometimes you’ve gotta hit a man between the eyes with a 2 x 4, just to get his attention” and trust me, I’ve had some bullish, hard-headed men in my practice who invited my 2 x 4. There was literally no other way to get thru to ‘em!
Children who grow up with emotional and/or physical abuse tend to ignore gentle handling as adults. They’ve dissociated from difficult emotions lifelong, and it can take a very direct, matter of fact approach, just to get their attention and help ‘em get on track and stay there. I’m not opposed to verbal shock treatments, when it comes to dissuading a client from further engaging in choices that are self-harming. Do I like it? NO. Is it warranted? At times, yes~ because IF I’m solely committed to handling them with kid gloves, they’ll remain unwell.
It’s a dirty job, but somebody has to do it!
When we wanna unleash our anger on someone, we can yell and scream things like, “I hate you right now!” or “Fuck you!” but if we spew a litany of insults and accusations at another we can’t un-say or take back, it can cause irreparable harm to an alliance we might actually be wanting to retain. I guess it all boils down to impulse control (or the lack of it).
People with BPD traits may say the most nasty, insulting, vile, deliberately wounding things to us, and perhaps in the moment, they believe they’re spot-on and accurate in how they’re seeing and describing us during their tantrum. But are they??
In that immediate instant, do they mentally obliterate all the good parts of the relationship we’ve shared? Have they erased from their memory all our kind and generous gestures, the consistent concern and care we’ve shown them? Apparently, they do.
A three year old sees their world in black or white terms. No grey areas exist for toddlers or Borderlines. In their mind, you’re either all good, or all bad. Anything that requires a more philosophic or circumspect view is way too confounding, which tends to overwhelm an underdeveloped soul.
Ya gotta keep things real simple for someone with BPD traits. They are literally toddlers living in adult bodies. Being able to make up one’s mind about someone (either positive or negative) infuses a Borderline with a sense of comfort! They can at least feel decided~ which helps us all feel more at peace. When confusion is removed, comfort is a natural outcome (which is undoubtedly why my BPD articles have risen to international popularity).
Important interpersonal and societal problems don’t arise from our sense of indecision, however. When we feel a need to determine if someone’s all good or all bad, a lot of it’s due to our projection onto them, the facets (positive or negative) we’ve either failed to recognize in ourselves, or have intentionally disowned.
For example, we might have once felt ashamed and appalled by our spontaneous sexual attraction to an underaged girl or boy, but would never even conceive of acting on those feelings! But if someone in the “news” is reported to have molested or sexually violated a child, we indulge ourselves in feeling OUTRAGED about it! We want that person hanged for his or her “sin,” because on some level, we wanna believe it absolves us of (ours).
I believe “Orange Man BAD,” is a perfect example of projection among leftists. They’re doing insider trading, perpetuating child trafficking, performing rituals to extract and inject adrenaline by torturing and terrifying little kids, and robbing America blind~ yet Trump has been vilified to the extent the naive and gullible-minded have fallen hook, line and sinker for the lies they’ve been told about the man, which come nowhere close to the heinous carryings-on of the Narcissists and Borderlines who are miraculously allowed to keep running this show.
For those of you Americans who’ve nailed yourself to the cross each time you’ve let out your anger, and guilted or shamed yourself for it afterward, NOW is the time to pull those spikes outta your hands and feet, and mobilize your RAGE, so that we’ve got a fighting chance to VANQUISH the chaos and evil that’s infiltrated our country… or, you can remain passive and accommodating, like a meek little lamb being led to slaughter. What’s it gonna be?
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